Sad Day

I've been dreading this day for quite some time.

One year ago I was told my babies were going to be born - at 21 weeks - and die.

On June 18, I went in for a cervical ultrasound after a week of home bedrest due to pre-term labor symptoms. I had been feeling great and thought nothing of it. My mom and I were even planning on doing lunch after my appointment. Little did I know I wouldn't be going home for over three weeks.

Audrey's amniotic sac was hanging out of my open cervix. I was taken immediately to the hospital, given a spinal and had a rescue cerclage. The amount of medication I was given was insane - the magnesium sulfate made me feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest, I couldn't breath, I was shaking - it was truly horrid.

I woke the next morning to a gush of fluid - amniotic fluid. The obstetricians told me I would deliver that day. They sent in a NICU doctor to talk to us - confirming our worst fears that, at 21 weeks, our babies would not survive. Names were picked out and we were ready to say hello, and goodbye.

But my mom instinct kicked in. I requested an ultrasound to check Audrey's amniotic fluid - and lo and behold she had enough to survive. For the next three weeks I was confined to that bed in the hospital, but we survived - defying all odds and stumping the doctors. I spent the next four months on complete bedrest at home and delivered two healthy, albeit small, little miracles.

I mourn the loss of a normal pregnancy. I mourn the five months of my life spent in bed. Thinking back on this day last year literally takes my breath away and causes a huge wave of fear that shakes me to the core.

I am truly blessed with my little girls, and no matter what life throws at me, I'll always remember this.