The following post is from my friend Ann Marie. While her son is a little younger than my girls, we both ended up going through our divorces at the same time. She just recently started a blog that has just knocked my socks off. I find myself spending my evenings settling down to read her blog. So read her post below, and if you like - click on her blog button to read some more!
I've always liked country music but, let's face it, sometimes it does get a little depressing. What's the old joke: if you play a country song backwards you get back your husband, your children, and your dog? Or something along those lines. And, don't get me wrong, sometimes, especially when you are in the midst of a break-up, you need a song that will make you cry. You want to feel sad. It's therapeutic. I had those moments, in the beginning. But, oddly enough, the songs that appealed to me the most were the ones where the woman always ended up coming out stronger in the end. I think that was why I listened to them. Because they gave me strength. Because they made me feel as if I could and would be OK when it was all said and done.
I remember listening to Taylor Swifts' "White Horse". My favorite part of the song is where she sings:
"and there you are now, on your knees, begging for forgiveness, begging for me, Just like I always wanted, but I'm so sorry".
That part stood out because it was so much like my life. The entire song was like my life. Man cheats on woman, treats her poorly, then comes back around like a knight in shining armor on a "white horse" to make it all better and expects her to fall for his lines yet again. Take him back. One.more.time. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. That was our entire relationship in a nutshell. The only thing was that when I finally left D, for good, I meant it. I wasn't attempting to play games. I truly wanted out of our marriage, and to rid myself of him. Nothing he attempted would have convinced me to take him back. Not flowers. Not diamonds. Not elaborate trips. Not empty promises. I still, to this day, think that astounded him. He was floored. I even surprised myself with my strength. While he had always been able to redeem himself in the past, something about that final time had been different.
When I finally began to emerge from the thick of things, and stopped wanting to listen to melancholy post break-up songs, I found myself seeking a song that would empower me. Make me feel like I was on top of the world. I could accomplish anything. And any man who didn't realize how wonderful I truly was, didn't deserve me anyways. And never had. Enter, Carrie Underwood. And her hit song "Undo It". Carrie has always been one of my favorite country artists. And she is no stranger to heartbreak herself. She certainly seems to embody all that I strive to be. Beautiful. Successful. Confident. And her songs convey this message. And they do it well. And "Undo It" was no exception.
I remember hearing the lyrics for the first time driving to work one day. Normally I have to hear a song a few times before I really start to enjoy it. I have to warm up to it. Listen to the lyrics a few times. Decide if I like the beat. Not in this case. The very first time I heard that song I loved it. Instantly. I turned the radio up and enjoyed every minute of it. From that moment on, every time I turned the station on I hoped that I would hear that song. I put it on my YouTube playlist. The title was even the theme for my infamous "divorce party". I think we must have played that song half a dozen times that night.
Every word in that song resonated with me, and still does. I could so closely relate to it all. From the first verse:
"Should have known by the way you passed me by
There was something in your eyes and it wasn't right.
Should have walked but I never had the chance everything got out of hand and I let it slide.
Now I only have myself to blame for falling for your stupid games
I wish my life could be the way it was before I saw your face"
I remember thinking about the night that I met D. I knew he was a bad boy. I knew he was wrong for me. But I couldn't help it, I went on a date with him anyways. Something in my gut had always told me that things weren't quite right, but I didn't listen. And then, as the song goes "everything got out of hand and I let it slide". I started dating him, we got engaged, and then married, and, well, the story only goes downhill from there.
My favorite verse of the whole song is the second one:
"Now your photos don't have a picture frame
And I never say your name, and I never will
And all your things, well I threw them in the trash
And I'm not even sad"
I laugh when I think about this verse. I remember my best friend helping me to pack up the rest of D's things. Things that he had conveniently neglected to take when I kicked him out. She had never liked D. No, scratch that. She had always had a bad feeling about him. From the very beginning. But, she had genuinely made an attempt to get along with him, because she loved me and valued our friendship. However, once she found out everything he had put me through when I was pregnant, it was all over. All bets were off. The claws were out. She knew that I wasn't going to forgive him. She knew that she didn't have to pretend that she liked him anymore. And once that occurred, she couldn't help me move him out of my life fast enough. Literally. Because I was still somewhat numb with shock (and hugely pregnant), my friend more than willingly was the one who did most of the packing. I chuckle a little when I think of her throwing everything into huge black trash bags. Taking down pictures. Putting the wedding albums away. Like the song says "now your photos don't have a picture frame" because they no longer did! And, while we didn't throw D's belongings in the trash, per se, we did throw them in trash bags, which is close enough.
The best part of that lyric, is the last line, where she sings "and I'm not even sad". I was so done by the time D and I finally separated, officially. Done. I wanted out. I wanted to rid myself of him. I had no feelings left. He had burnt his bridges. Completely and entirely. He had singlehandedly, over the course of the year, succeeded in making me fall out of love with him. I no longer cared. I had grieved for a failed marriage long before we officially ended it. I had cried myself to sleep so many times, that I no longer had any tears left. I actually felt immense relief, knowing that I was putting an end to the nightmare that I had been living. I felt strong. I felt empowered. I felt like I had a renewed opportunity at life. I was instantly happier. More confident. And re-invigorated. But, one thing I definitely was not, was sad.
